This Is The Definitive Truck Hierarchy, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Massive Pickup Truck

I’ve by no means been an excessive amount of of a truck man. I grew up in a family that by no means had them, and apart from the “Twister” Ram 2500 I’ve by no means actually needed one, however over the previous few months, I’ve been testing out all types of vans in numerous measurement segments. During my analysis of vans just like the Ford Maverick, Nissan Frontier Hardbody, Chevy Colorado ZR2 Bison, Jeep Gladiator Mojave and Chevy Silverado 1500 ZR2, I spotted one thing. There’s a transparent truck hierarchy.

Something I stored coming again to, irrespective of which truck I used to be in, was how massive my truck was compared to everybody else’s. Call it jealousy, name it immaturity. Call it no matter you need, however it’s not one thing I used to be capable of get away from. Every time I used to be behind the wheel of certainly one of these (largely) pavement princesses, I needed to determine the place I stood compared to everybody else. I additionally couldn’t assist however surprise if different truck drivers felt the identical means I did — I’ve a sneaking suspicion they do.

Full Disclosure: Nissan, Chevy, Jeep and Ford all lent me these vans with full fuel tanks to do as I happy. I spent more often than not questioning what different males considered me.

These emotions actually got here to a head once I was behind the wheel of the large $77,750 Silverado 1500 ZR2. I felt just like the king of the street with my 420-horsepower 6.2-liter V8, huge entrance grille and chunky off-road tires. I regarded down on different truck house owners of their base Silverados, GMC Canyons and Jeep Gladiators with disdain. I used to be the king of the street, the grasp of my area. Then, I used to be stopped at a purple gentle in rural northeast Pennsylvania and a GMC Sierra 2500 HD pulled up. I might hear its 6.6-liter Duramax diesel burbling and really feel my coronary heart sink to the pit of my abdomen — I used to be left utterly and completely little bro’d. I ponder if the man behind the wheel of that truck knew it. Did he know I used to be sitting in my huge, costly truck, serious about how I simply received son’d? This is a rhetorical query; he completely did. I’d even wager cash that he paid all of that money for a giant truck when a small one would have match the invoice simply superb due to this very factor I’m speaking about.

In my time at Jalopnik, I’ve pushed dozens and dozens of automobiles, and I can say with confidence I’ve by no means gotten this superiority/inadequacy feeling earlier than. Whether I’m in a $300,000 sports activities automotive or a $28,000 eco crossover, I haven’t actually considered how I used to be perceived by the skin world. However, being in a truck makes you immediately conscious of the place you might be on the trucky meals chain. You’re additionally very conscious of the very fact each different dude in his truck is pondering the very same factor. (By the way in which, in the event you enter my feedback part — say you personal a truck and that you just don’t really feel this manner — I actually don’t care and I don’t consider you.)

The truck hierarchy is extremely vital, and sitting on the very tippy high isn’t stuff like Heavy Duty Rams, Tesla Cybertrucks and the outlandish GMC Hummer EV. No. At the very high of the truck pecking order are outdated vans, stuff from the ‘70s through the ’90s. Those are vans for actual males or no matter, and identical to me, everybody else of their model new lifted pickup vans is aware of we’re simply cosplaying as somebody who would even have and use a kind of older pickups.

We are merely posers, always seeking one thing that’ll truly make us really feel like helpful males — males who’d simply maintain on to a ratty diesel Ford F-150 somewhat than leasing the latest King Ranch Texas Edition Back The Blue These Colors Don’t Run 1776 Edition vans. When it involves vans, very like supercars, the actual cred is within the outdated, classic stuff.

Next up within the hierarchy comes one-ton heavy-duty vans, your Ford F-250s and 350s, Ram 2500s and Silverado/Sierra HDs. If they’re diesel you get additional factors, as a result of there’s one thing a bit lame a couple of one-ton gasser. I don’t make the principles. From there, it’s off-road specials just like the Ram TRX, F-150 Raptor, Chevy’s varied ZR2s, GMC’s AT4s and Toyota’s TRD Pros. Big tires all the time get extra factors. After that, it’s common half-ton pickups, the best-selling automobiles in the entire nation. You know what they’re. They’re in every single place. After that come compact pickups just like the Tacoma, Canyon and Ranger. Now, we get to the underside, vans that get zero respect: the Hyundai Santa Cruz, Honda Ridgeline, Ford Maverick and Jeep Gladiator.

We’ll get to the Mav and Hyundai in a minute, however first I wish to discuss concerning the Gladiator. I thought this factor was a decent truck once I picked it up a number of weeks in the past, however I shortly discovered this was not the case. I did a fast run to Costco within the $65,865 Gladiator Mojave I used to be testing (it offers you all types of enjoyable, desert operating off-road bits and a few very neat orange touches). I parked the Jeep subsequent to a Cybertruck and took an image of the 2. I then posted on-line saying “A truck and a Cybertruck,” and I received a bunch of responses and even some DMs letting me know the Gladiator isn’t an actual truck. Ouch.

Still, I wasn’t completely satisfied. Just a few days later I used the Gladiator to complete shifting some stuff from my outdated house to my new one. It’s the proper process for a truck. Unfortunately, its mattress is form of ineffective. You see, it’s far shallower than different mid-size truck beds at simply 17.5 inches. For reference, the Toyota Tacoma’s 5-foot mattress is 21.2 inches deep. That may not sound like a ton, however it makes a distinction. It signifies that even with reasonably tall objects the Jeep-installed tonneau cowl received’t latch into place. Of course, it was raining (it all the time rains once you transfer), so all of my shit received moist, man. Not cool, Jeep!

Side Note: I used my grandmother’s beat-up 2004 Chrysler Town & Country to do the majority of my shifting, and that suited me significantly better. If you might be contemplating shopping for a brand-new truck, you must actually simply purchase a minivan.

Anyway, the Jeep Gladiator, as neat as it’s (convertibles are all the time superior) isn’t realllllly a truck in the event you ask me. Luckily, the Silverado with its huge mattress and good Multi-Flex tailgate made shifting some extra stuff from my in-laws’ home to my new place a cinch. Even with its massively excessive suspension, the truck made getting shit out and in of the mattress good and simple. The big rear seats additionally meant I might put an entire lot of extra beneficial stuff within the cabin. I’ve received a full off-road video evaluation of the Silverado ZR2 arising quickly, so be looking out for that unhealthy boy.

Back to the Santa Cruz, Ridgeline and Maverick. They exist in a extremely fascinating place as a result of I don’t assume truck folks actually respect them, they usually virtually actually see them on the backside of the hierarchy, however it doesn’t matter. I don’t assume the drivers of those vans give a shit about all of that. Why would they? In all honesty, they purchased a few of the greatest vans in the marketplace (the SC and Maverick a minimum of, because the Ridgeline is getting outdated).

If extra truck house owners have been trustworthy with themselves about what kind of duties they should get performed with their pickups, they’d go for certainly one of these three automobiles. No one wants a truck as massive because the Silverado ZR2, a Ford F-150 Raptor or a Tundra, however they need it due to the picture it places out into the world. Just hope a one-ton pickup doesn’t pull up subsequent to you at a fuel station, as a result of your ego may not have the ability to take it.

Just keep in mind, the world revolves round massive vans, so that you higher simply get used to it. I’ve the very best truck, and who cares what anybody else says? Right?